Deb Montgomery

I was practicing a method of prayer this morning…I believe it is borrowed from the Quakers and I heard about it in school this week. You breathe in for 7 seconds slowly and out for 7 seconds slowly…you can do it palms down on knees or palms up…and if you want, at the top of the inhale of the 7 seconds, you may hold your breath for a while. Ancients believed…and/or some desert fathers, that this is where God met them/you/us. At the quiet at the top of that inhale…in holding..in quiet. Today when I prayed, I felt the mess of my mind while I was still. The mess of doubt, the mess of fear, the mess of anxieties, the mess of noise and distraction, the mess of feeling like an frustrated child trying to do something new and finding…mess. But each time I arrived at the quiet place of ceasing to breathe and pausing for a moment, I had a sense…a first a little sense and then a bigger sense that God had come. God had come to my mess. Come in like One who loves and does not not seem remotely phased by the mess. “Sorry about the mess, I didn’t expect guests right now!” God, She will come and be with you in your mess. I believe this. She will come into our fear. He will come into our rage. She will come into our disbelief and cynicism. He will come into our disappointment. She will come into our “fuck you’s” and our “Whatever’s!” He will come into my mess of spaz-like nonsense. But a word of warning, God will mess with your mess and you may laugh with Her, or you may laugh at yourself, or you might find that you weep or rage…and that will be ok. It is ok. My place was a mess, and it was ok and I am glad I asked…because something quieter occurs, something different happens, something we cannot perhaps put words to or even SING about in that strange-oh so strange…visit. God will come in to your mess. No need to tidy or clean and no point really. Not now. Not today. Peace, Deb

I met a guy today at the carwash who just got out of prison yesterday. I drove into a self wash/car wash place for the first time ever. When I was growing up-ok ongoing..I get it- you either wash it in the driveway or go to a car wash. This was a company owned car wash that you drive in, pour quarters into a machine, follow instructions and proceed to panic as your time ticks away while you bumble your way through coloured instructions. “Slow moving soap Release” “High Powered Soap Release.” “High powered Rinse.” etc.. etc..
Five and a half minutes and $2.75 later, I wanted to put some quarters into a machine for a “SUPER DRY TOWEL”. Alas, I had no more quarters until a charming young man offered to give me some of his, “I just bought a whole roll for a dollar…please, take’m..” I began to chat about my day as I do, and especially today having just written my car license test….”I had to do the written part of my driver’s test today, cause I’m canadian and they don’t recognize my license here! Can you f—– believe that?!” Young charming dude says, “Yeh, I just had to pay a hundred bucks to renew my license! A hundred bucks! My old license ran out and I just got out of prison and I have all this shit I have to do!” I thought a few things: What were you in for? Are you going to kill me? Should I be scared? And then I thought…Yeh, I just got out of prison too. In my own way. I have been in a number of prisons-self imposed, past imposed, idea imposed, culture imposed….on and on. So I said, “Hey, thanks for the towels. I hear it’s pretty hard the first little while out of prison, so be gentle with yourself ok?” He looked at me and said, “Yeh…it is..ok…thanks.” “No, thank you man. Take care.” One of the articles I had to read for school today stated that they have found that no matter what kind of therapy or approach a therapist takes (cognitive, behavioural, analytical etc) the main factor in a person’s healing seems to occur within the context of the relationship. Being loved. Being heard. Being accepted. Being seen. Being believed in. Being joined with another for a time. (I am grossly paraphrasing because I am blogging!) This has been my experience ultimately as well as someone who from time to time has sought help. We are ultimately so in need of being seen and loved. We are ultimately called to love and to see the other as well. I felt blessed having met Prison Guy. I really did. Perhaps cause in my own way, I just got out of prison as well. And will again. And again. Peace, Deb
P.S. I went down to the sea to see big things and feel small tonight…Beautiful. So I praised with a sigh or two. I thought I saw a whale at one point…my heart skipped a beat. I saw what it was and felt stupid and laughed. Thinking I’d seen it was fun for a moment! And eventually I will see one.